Dumbledore's Issue
by MaddiMANIAC22
Summary: What if Dumbledore is crazy? What if Neville is Voldemort's son? What if Lily and James lived?


What if Dumbledore was crazy, what if Neville was Voldemort and what if Lily and James lived?

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or these characters, J.K. does.

Monday. I have always hated Mondays, since the start of my first year at Hogwarts, but not because it was the start of lessons. It was because I had advanced lessons with Dumbledore in Arithmancy and Charms along with History of Runes and double advanced Latin and Spell-Making for Ninth Years. But Dumbledore was, uh, touched in the head. Insane. Crazy. Mental.

Grimacing, I gave the password 'Cockroach Clusters' to the gargoyle in front of the staircase. Why did his favourite food have to be baby cockroaches and cockroach nests?

"Madam Rosmerta, have you finally brought me my Firewhisky? Get up here with my alcohol now!" Dumbledore called down the staircase leading to his office.

"No Dumbledore, it's Ginny, I'm here for our lessons in Arithmancy, Charms, History of Runes, Advanced Latin and Spell-Making for Ninth Years. Are you dressed and sober today?" I shouted so the Headmaster could hear me.

"No, I'm drunk and naked and I have lasers shooting out my bum and butterfly wings sprouting out my ears. Come up or detention and 1,000,000 points from Gryffindor. See you soon!" he giggled back as the sound of lasers pinging off trophies resounded down the stairs.

"Albus, stop, no, DON'T, go away!" screamed Professor McGonagall as Dumbledore ran around the room shooting bum-lasers and giggling like a deranged hyena. I had seen this before, but not this bad. Normally he had undies on or something but he was- he was- GAH HE WAS NAKED AND OLD AND CRAZY AND WRINKLY AND HIS SKIN SAGGED OFF HIS BONES! Before I knew it I was heaving in a corner, my breakfast reappearing. Minerva (she asked me to call her that, she's my auntie) finally had him under control. She had Petrified her husband.

"Auntie Minerva, did you just Petrify him?! How did you get him to stay still?" I questioned, a giggle rising as I saw her struggle to hold him upright his saggy skin dangling from his arms and jiggling when he was moved.

"Told him that if he stayed still Madam Rosmerta would give him her entire stock of Firewhisky. I cancelled his messages to Rosmerta and the Leaky. He even tried to message the Hogs Head. Go get The Saviour. He is the only one who can talk some sense into him." Auntie ordered me with a sigh. She missed her 33 sons, they used to be able to calm Dumbledore, but they had wives and children now, too busy to visit, too embarrassed to call.

"Yes Auntie I'll Apparate once I'm inside the Apparition zone." I replied, walking to the opposite corner and disappearing with a loud POP!

I walked into the dungeons Potions classroom, only to find Snape, Draco and Slughorn in there naked and giggling as they did the nae nae on Snape's desk. Harry was goggling at Malfoy without blinking and drool coated his face and robes. Pulling them off he joined them and started kissing Draco. An engagement ring appeared on Harry's finger as they called out

"WE ARE GETTING MARRIED IN THREE HOURS!" in unison.

I called out to Ernie MacMillian " We need your help, you are the sidekick of Harry 'The Saviour' James Potter. Dumbledore is naked with lasers shooting out his bum and butterfly wings sprouting out his ears."

As I told him about Dumbledore's Issue,Snape had pierced his belly button and hung sixty pictures of Draco from it.

" I object to your marriage, Draco and Harry, I LOVE YOU DRACO I KNOW IM A CREEP BUT I HAVE A DRESS, A VEIL AND A MAKEUP PERSON LET ME MARRY YOU DRACO PLEASE!"

"NO!" Draco yelled as he kissed Harry on the lips and picked him up,Draco now holding Harry by the butt. They were actually snogging in front of the entire Hufflepuff house and Gryffindor house and Slytherin house. Even Dumbledore and Minerva had gotten there in time to see Snape do a poo on his desk followed by him lying down on top of it crying and sobbing. James and Lily are sitting in the corner nursing a crying me, with a smile on Draco's face. I suddenly had an idea for how I could keep Harry all to myself. Running to the bathroom and exiting with a smile, I jumped next to the now standing Harry.

"Harry, I'm having your babies, they are twins, I've been carrying them for a month apparently. I used a magic test, one of the ones that tell you exactly what is happening." I beam at hime

"HARRY, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, WHY WWWWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYY!?WHY ME HARRY, WHY NOW?" Draco screamed as he watched Harry and I kiss."You do know I'm also carrying your babies, only their triplets!"

"WHY DRACO, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME BACK, WE ARE GETTING MARRIED NOW, EVEN IF I HAVE TO FORCE YOU TO DO IT I SWEAR I WILL IMPERIUS YOU TO SAY I DO!" Snape's voice broke from crying.

"Draco, I know you used Amortentia on me, but you added forty scarab eyes, it only lasted an hour, I love Ginny and I was going to propose on a boat trip and a picnic with wine and candles" Harry said calmly as I smiled and beamed at Harry and my slightly round belly.  
"You...!" Snape yelled as Draco hit the floor.  
"HARRY RUNNNNNNNNN!"Lily screamed as Harry took off, worried what Snape was going to do to him. Carrying me he rushed to the Apparition zone and we Apparated to Harry's country side mansion, inside a lush garden with a treehouse, the smell of my favourite scented candles and fresh air filling our lungs. We heard Snape's voice in the distance and Harry face went from a smile to a broken one.  
"HOW DARE YOU HURT MALFOY!" Snape exclaimed with his eyes looking directly into Harry's "YOU ARE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR MOTHER...YOU BOTH HURT ME SHE MARRIED JAMES AND YOU JUST...HURT DRACO MALFOY MY SOULMATE!"  
"Haha hear that James he liked your woman" Sirius giggled with one arm around Remus."Remus and I have your back"

"Your only together because Nymphadora died along with our baby in the past so you two would live" Remus growled with tears in his eyes.

"Remus, is it true you keep her Time-Turner on your-"

"James, get out of the way so I can MURDER YOUR SON!" Snape cried.

"My Draco is dead from that blow to the head, your son killed my love, my only sweetheart, my Draco, my dear, dear Draco!" Snape whimpered like a kicked puppy, his eyes overflowing with tears.

"It is your own fault for making the class brew love-turned-hate Amortentia. You know that ends in death. You only paired Harry and Draco together because you wanted Malfoy to kill Harry" cried a terrified Ron, appearing from the Apparition Garden next door after almost dying from fear for his only sister, his best mate and his nieces\nephews. Hermione was right beside him.

"Yeah Snape, its YOUR fault Draco is dead, not Harry's" She said, rushing to her husband's defense and glaring at Snape, wand drawn as the words AVADA KEDAVRA echoed through the bordered clearing


End file.
